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i386

lurking internet since 56k

Tales of IT

I got hired by my Dad to do IT. I know very little about IT besides games. These are my IT stories. be first day
> woman asks me if I can install the latest version of adobe reader
> fuck ya I got this DL like a boss
> "Wow you're like a computer expert"
> "Well you know..."
> Asked to input admin credentials
> forget admin credentials
> try admin:password
> nope.jpg
> "uhhhh... uhhhh... oh crap somethings going on with the server.. be right back"
> 3 months later she still doesn't have adobe reader
More?

be day 2
> angry guy is on the phone asking me about some weird in house program
> have no idea what the fuck he's saying
> there's a pause
> he's waiting for an answer
> think back to the IT crowd
> "Have you tried turning it on and off again"
> "Like restarting"
> "Give me a sec..."
> it fucking worked

day 3
> hot sales rep comes in with laptop issues
> she's 9/10 cougar
> all flirty with me
> tells me she needs something updated
> can only hear her boobs
> her laptop smells like strawberrys
> download adobe reader for her and hand it back

day 4
> figure out how to turn off the servers
> when people start asking for help
> go into server room
> turn off servers
> come out oblivious and start downloading adobe reader
> eventually people start screaming
> THE SITES DOWN! THE SITES DOWN!
> "I'm on it!"
> run back to the server room
> play hotline miami in the back for few hours
> turn server back on near end of day
> come out of server room
> wipe brow from face
> "I did it..."
> people are singing my praises saying i saved the day
> really just saved the girlfriend in HM

day 5
> run into cougar at coffee machine
> ask her how things are going, just a general statement
> instantly thinks im talking shop
> starts telling me all the shit wrong with her computer
> she doesn't see me as a human
> she sees me as an it
> tell her to drop off her laptop
> she does
> I upgrade her ie
> download adobe reader
> restart the machine
> everythings fucking working
> run it back to her
> fix my hair
> check my breath
> act like I saved the day
> she's in her office on the phone
> she motions to put on her desk
>1 do...kind of linger
> "Is that everything hun?"
> leave
> hear her say "oh it was just IT"
> just IT
> that is all I am now

day 6
> really bored
> decide to download a gameboy emulator and play some pokemon
> the webfilters blocking it so I turn it off the whole thing I dont just whitelist it, I turn it all off
> get to emulator site but now I need to turn off the antivirus
> use the admin which I now know to do it...
> end up turning off the whole antivirus settings on the server
> download my emulator and rom
> play my game
> guy comes into my office
> "I think I caught I virus"
> me "gotta catch em all"
> by the time I'm facing Misty 4 people have viruses

day 7
> same guy that was yelling at me day 2 is yelling at me
> he cant remotely log in just as I am about to leave to go home
> "Try turning it off then on again then call me back"
> go home

day 8
> guy call from day 7 calls back
> he's pissed
> tells me he lost a client because of my stupidity
> "shit happens man. I lost to team rocket like 10 minute ago"
> "what the fuck are you talking about?"
> click

day 9
> one of the printers is out of toner
> some fat guy tells me to change it
> "it's a toner man... can't you change it? I'm working on this huge issue with the server"
> was really downloading steam
> "it'll take a second... god I have much more important stuff to do... that's why you're here"
> sigh and go do it
> cant figure out how to fucking open the fucking cartridge door
> start hitting it like they do in zoolander
> tell the poor mentally challenged guy in the mail room I have a special job for him
> he has to hide the magic egg in the chest of Hewlet Packard
> go back to my server business
> half an hour later the fat guy comes into my office
> "What the fuck did you do to the printer?"
> "Changed the toner"
> He just starts shaking his head and muttering shit
> we walk over to it
> the mailroom guy jammed the cartridge in the wrong way and actually lodged it in there so half of it is sticki
ng out > the door cant even close
> there's black hand prints all over the printer too
> Can feel the guy judging me so I just spew bullshit
> "Looks to be a probably with the network."
> the printer was down for over a month before I figured out we have a printer guy on call

day 10
> have to set up projector in the boardroom
> cant find a thunderbolt to hdmi cable to hook it up to lazy to go to the store
> dont even have a corporate card either
> tell the people needing the projector that there's a compatibility issue with macbooks
> they use some guys dellbook
> the files from the mac end up not running on the dellbook
> call me in mid meeting
> all these business people staring at me as I am randomly clicking folders as fast as possible to look like I a
m pro > download adobe reader
> double click files
> works
> "Thanks Anon, you saved me"

day 11
> there's a new hire
> no one fucking told me anything
> get screamed at that theres no computer for this new person
> go in back to see if we have any spares
> there's a few
> but there's also some really old pcs from like the early 90's
> boot it up
> works
> set up new person
> everything lags
> you open adobe reader? massive fucking lag
> send out the computer
> "it's the best we've got on short notice"
> get like 40 sharepoint tickets the first day from that person
> he's a real stickler for help
> he ends up quitting the very next week saying he can't work under these conditions

day 12
> someones computer crashed
> fuuuuuuuuck
> set up computer
> remember something about profiles being saved on the network
> go back to the server room
> look at the server rack like a total idiot as I try and figure out in my head how this works
> tell the guy all his data is lost and there's nothing I can do
> "b-b-bbut my project... i have to present that to the board on friday..."
> "gone, man. It's gone"
> play sim theme park the rest of the day

day 13
> roll up to work an hour late
> whole office is in chaos
> fallofrome.jpg
> "HE'S HERE!"
> Go in to my office open up mail
> dozens of emails like:
> "Hey is there something wrong with the server I can't log in to..."
> "Any idea why the site is down I..."
> the server is actually down
> adobe reader can't save me now
> "Just go back there and do what you did last time!"
> everyone thinks its an easy solve
> literally shaking in the server room because I don't know what to do
> nap in server room for entire day
> people are pissed can hear them banging on server door
> we've missed deadlines
> leave at 6:30 pm
> the CFO sees me in the parking lot
> hes been in a meeting all day doesn't know about my struggles
> "You're still here?! That's the kind of can-do attitude I like to see"

day 14
> server is still down
> my dads asking questions
> everyone is pissed
> take an early lunch
> over hear some guys at the restaurant talking about buying a new modem for the office
> hailmary.jpg
> "Hey sorry to bother you during your lunch...but would either of you happen to be IT?"
> before either of them could read me the riot act and tell me something like how the fuck dare I
> I'm IT too
> I show them my hand that I scratched up crawling wire on the floor
> they nod
> "What would you try doing if your server is completely fucked?"
> "Have you tried restarting it?"
> I go back and restart the physical machine
> it fucking works

day 15
> hot cougar walks by office looking distressed
> "Everything okay?"
> "Oh good... I can't log into my email... can you please help me... PLEASE"
> "I got you."
> get her laptop
> re-install microsoft office
> outlook works again
> poke through her emails to make sure things are working
> send a test file
> read the titles of her latest emails
> "Divorce"
> hand back her laptop
> "Looks like its working now"
> "Thanks..."
> "Everything okay?"
> "Well..."
> this is fucking it, tell me your sob stories cougar woman and then its or
> "My mouse is acting a bit funny, can I get a new one"

day 16
> one of the mailroom guy's monitors isn't working
> it's coming up all green
> backstory: there's been a huge misappropriation of funds because I gave him dual monitors just because he's a
mentally challenged and I figured if anyone needs 2 screens its him > all he does is look at msn slideshows
> and use the fedex webapp or something
> he's a nice guy so I actually try and fix it for him
> nothings working
> think its a driver issue
> think its a setting issue
> think its an actual hardware issue
> whole time people are coming to me with real problems but I keep saying "I'll be there in a minute"
> after 2 hours the mailroom guy goes
> "maybe da pug ish boken"
> I swapped out the hdmi cable with a brand new one
> it worked
> I officially am less adept at my job then a poor mentally challenged guy

day 17
> nice old woman who talks to me about sports tells me her keyboard is shit
> she's oldest person in the office by far
> old as dirt
> tell her I have just the thing
> go in the back and unbox a brand new keyboard meant for the programmers
> bring it to the old woman
> "You're such a helpful young man"
> reach down awkwardly to plug in the new keyboard
> get back up and dust pants off
> old lady looks like she's having a heart attack
> look at the screen
> it's fucking blank
> on my way back up to my feet I hit the power button
> she lost 3 hours of work
> 3 hours that old woman will never ever see again

day 18
> company meeting
> we're over budget
> there has been ridiculous spending
> "we've lost money for almost a month
> day 18
> almost a month
> they are going to out me
> IT budget comes up in discussion
> we're one of 2 departments that are coming under budget
> "Great job Anon. I heard about the server issues here... you're the man"
> at the end of the meeting a 45 year old events planner asks me if I fix computers on the side
> "Not really..."
> "Oh... I have this one blasted thing that needs fixing. You couldn't just come over and fix it?"
> bullshit
> for a laugh I say, "yeah it's cool, just give me your address and I'll be over after work"
> not sure if I'm getting sex
> buy condoms
> she's not that hot like a 6/10 tops
> not even going to lie
> last call kind of hot
> arrive at her house
> ring the door bell while standing all suave leaned up against the door
> her husband answers the door
> shows me to the computer
> install the latest version of adobe reader
> get $20
> go home

day 19
> some guy crashes a program so I have to reinput the settings
> go onto his cubicle mates computer
> check settings
> 2 hours later
> "You wrecked my computer... I want my fucking computer back exactly how it was I don't know what you did but s
omethings off my usb drive is buzzing..." > wtf
> I didnt do shit to your computer. I checked a program you open 20 times a day
> super pissed so I go back into the server room and play Thomas Was None
> hear knock on server room door
> its the cubtclemate
> "Hey, Thanks for fixing it.
> "Fixing what?"
> "The my usb drive"
> I didn't do shit lol
> "Oh yeah don't mention it"

day 20
> spend entire day cleaning the server room up
> getting it all nice
> just unplugging network cables wily nifty so I can colour coordinate them
> people are losing their shit
> they are randomly getting kicked off
> tell people there are some issues with our isp
> I make sure to say I-S-P as I have now learned by spelling in abbreviations no matter how common makes you sou
nd techy > by the end of the day the server rack is all classy looking
> unfortunately I never mapped anything and a handful of people can't connect because their ports aren't connect
ed to anything > tell them the I-S-P will have it done ASAP and go home

day 21
> now that the server room is all clean I set up all the test boxes in the back
> 8 machines in total all connected to the network
> try joining monitors all together like you see on cool threads, you know like the racing ones?
> realize these are shit old monitors and you can't do that
> come up with the great idea of bitcoin mining with these boxes
> set it up for the first half of the day
> after lunch I'm mining
> terribly but I am mining
> people start complaining about server lag
> blame the lag on the olympics
> suggest that the whole office must be streaming it
> ban the olympics on the web filter
> office is divided; can see the divide in my email
> people who are pissed about not being able to watch the olympics
> and the keeners who think its all work and no play at work
> I've officially gained power though, people respect me for making this mandate
> "He's a real company guy"

day 22
> its birthday day
> office celebrates all the months birthdays
> take cake
> set up n64 in the boardroom
> challenge people in the office to goldeneye
> keep saying "Hey I'm just taking a 5 minute break for some cake want a quick game?"
> own the shit out of all of them
> realize I did absolutely nothing all day but eat cake and game
> no one ever noticed

day 23
> cougar calls in from the road
> she's having trouble accessing a key app for a client on her ipad
> she tells me its name
> have no idea what it is
> but make sure to sound astute
> ask her if she's using WIFI or 3G
> "How do I check"
> "Nevermind let me check from my maincore system"
> google the app but nothing comes up
> ask one of the other sales people
> "oh it's just an infographic on our main site"
> tell the hot cougar to come into the office because it's going to require me to hardcode the changes in
> she drives 2 hours to come to the office so I can open up Safari and bookmark it to her ipad homepage
I'll continue this tomorrow, believe it or not there's an ending to this but I can't get to it today.

day 24
> people heard from the 45 year old events planner I do house calls
> bunch of idiots are bringing in their home computers, mobile devices, anything technical for me to fix
> tell people I can only do it after hours and I charge $20 for small stuff and $50 for large.
> most of it is simple fixes
> windows updates or adobe reader installs fix it
> but then I get it
> the laptop from hell
> this fat indian guy hands me his laptop in a plastic bag, not a laptop bag, a plastic one
> "What's wrong with it?"
> "You tell me genius"
> Load it up and it's asking for some system restore or something.
> just hit next and okay
> fixes it but it says I need to load chkdisk?
> figure that has something to do with the cd drive
> open it up
> there's a thick fucking layer of bread crumbs in the tray
> tilted the machine to its side
> motherfucking bread crumbs just pouring out of the laptop
> restart the machine
> it loads perfectly
> turns out the guy was using it as a tray for his morning bagel
> fucking toaster laptops

Hi AV its the IT guy from yesterday
day 25
> even though I'm shit at IT
> one guy thinks because I am IT I am super techy
> he asks me what my favourite browser is
> "Google.... Ultron"
> "it like chrome?"
> shit thats what I meant
> "yeah...but better...it's what nasa uses"
> "cool could you dl that for me?"
> gulp
> "yeah no worries"
> literally start shaking the mouse back and forth so fast you can see the cursor
> then ctrl alt deleted into task manager
> "there....you go. All done. It looks like google chrome. but its really ultron. no one else can tell."
> to this day he still thinks he runs google ultron

day 26
> some woman calls me over
> "it'll just take a sec, it's super simple"
> shit
> asks me to hook her up to a new printer
> she hops out of her chair and lets me sit down
> forget how to add network printers
> her and her friend are talking right over my shoulder staring at the screen
> "Is this going to take long?"
> I fake deep thought as I stare at the screen with one hand on my temple
> "Anon? I have a deadline is this going to..."
> "What the fuck..."
> both of the women are startled
> "THERE'S A VIRUS ON THIS MACHINE"
> and I just storm off like I'm pissed

day 27
> learn about a remote access tool that the whole office uses
> decide to haunt the old nice old lady from before
> i randomly move the mouse for a few hours
> she struggles to do basic tasks
> she comes and asks me for a new mouse
> oblige her
> hook it up and leave
> look back at remote tool
> mouse is moving again, she opens up word
> I begin to type
> "Hi"
> no response
> "Hi
> "Hello? Who is this?"
> "It's death :("

day 28
> a guy asks me to burn him a copy of a dvd for a presentation
> holy fuck I know how to do that
> burn it for him
> march back down to his office, proudly holding the dvd high in the air
> Woman tries to stop me "Hey can you..."
> "Not now... I've got IT business to attend to"
> hand the guy his burned dvd
> this might be one of the first things IVe done right here
> tear in my eye
> so proud of how far I have come
> I am true IT
> 5 minutes later I get a call "Hey...yeah there's nothing on the dvd..."

day 29
> give new hire her new laptop
> nothing is fucking setup right
> forgot to hook up her outlook to exchange
> no worries she did it herself
> cool
> she asks me if I can type in the admin credentials so she can dl some social media tool
> "Sure"
> fuck up the login credentials like 3 times and get locked out
> have to unlock it from my machine
> can't figure it out but go back because I left my gameboy in her office
> she starts making small talk
> "So where'd you go to school to become an IT person?"
> she's fucking on to me
> try logging in once more to admin account
> locked out still
> "Yeah... you know what? I think this Hootsuite extension is a virus. I don't want that shit on my network"

day 30
> here's where shit starts to really hit the fan
> as you know i had setup a bitcoin mining rig in the server room
> it was just eating up all the bandwidth
> the whole network was barely operational
> and now because of my ineptitude and blaming things on viruses people started a rumour
> that the whole network was being attacked by a rogue hacker group
> after lunch I get pulled into a meeting by with all the execs
> the jig is up
> "As you know we've been experiencing a multitude of issues with our network..."
> I'm fucked
> "from the lag to the viruses"
> so fucked
> "We want you to head up the investigation and find out who's doing this and why"
> ROFL
> I am the fucking dirty cop on the force who's tasked with finding the dirty cop
> I am the fucking law

day 31
> tell people I'm running server calibrations
> "it's like dusting for finger prints"
> no one's the wiser
> show this one middle aged guy with a beard how to use a webapp
> go to favourite it for him and put it on the toolbar
> notice all of his favourites
> Big titty housewife
> Pajama Butt Slut
> Mexican girl on bus
> mouse over them as I mouth read them
> he starts freaking out
> begs me not to tell
> "Why shouldn't I?"
> "Ill buy you lunch"
> got 10 chicken nuggets

day 32
> for some reason the entire office is having to fill in a captcha every time they google anything
> have no idea why this happening
> Google ultron guy asks me if this has to do with the virus and if he should be backing up his data
> "First. Always back up your data."
> he nods to my tech savvy
> "Second. It's a security measure INce put in place. There are robots afoot."
> he nods again like my word is law

day 33
> Ultron guy blabs and tells everyone about google ultron
> now everyone in the fucking office has a sharepoint ticket asking for it to be installed
> a few of the more competent people are asking me what the fuck google ultron is
> I just give them finger guns until they walk away
> have to spend entire day going from desktop to desktop pretending to dl google ultron
> literally spend 3-4 hours pretending to dl software that nasa uses
> one girl asks me if this even legal
> "Are you a cop?"
> she reports me to HR for "criminal like behaviour
> have already explained to HR what google ultron is...
> HR thinks its real
> HR thinks nasa uses it
> HR tells the narc to stop interfering with important technological matters because the narc doesnt know anythi
ng about IT like me > doesnt know anything about IT like me

day 34
> been playing portal 2 all day in my office
> haven't heard so much as a complaint
> haven't had to update adobe reader or adobe flash all fucking day
> something's not right
> no one's said shit about it
> poke my head out of the office
> everyone's heads down just typing away
> starting to get worried
> ask a guy how his computer is working
> "Great. Ever since you downloaded Google Ultron, my whole computer has just been flying"
> wtf
> do a quick google search on google chrome
> supposedly it automatically downloads the most up to date versions of adobe
> omfg
> if I don't have fucking adobe reader I'm fucking out of a job
> send out mass email
> ATTN: do not open google ultron it has been hacked
> spend rest of day uninstalling and making IE the default browser

day 35
> people are becoming restless with the hacker/virus stuff
> they wonder why I haven't solved the case yet
> some even believe its not a hacktivst group like I've been hinting
> "We're not just dealing with amateurs here. We're dealing with the best. And that's why I need to update your
antivirus scanner" > just to strike the fear into people I covertly turn on the computer of a person who's sick and stationed right
in the middle of one of the larger areas > turn off her monitor
> put speakers full
> then go back to office and remote in
> play Wham's Jitterbug at 3 second intervals throughout the day
> eventually people Start coming to my office to report this
> I nod
> it's worse than I thought
> "What? What is it?"
> it's the Jitterbug gang. One of the world's best hacking groups"
> "I've never heard of them."
> "That's why they're the best"

day 36
> check messages
> local police called
> FUUUUCK
> need to speak with me since I am IT about recent hacks on our organization
> delete message
> cougar comes into my office
> asks if I can adjust her desktop so the wallpaper changes every couple of minutes
> "Sure."
> head over there with her
> she tells me she's getting a divorce
> "Oh."
> Says she's actually starting to date again and it's pretty awkward
> fuck it
> "Wanna maybe grab a beer sometime after work?"
> she laughs
> "What? I mean why not?"
> "You're joking right? You're IT..."
> my eyes well up as I stare at adobe prompts me that reader has a new update
> "Just gonna download this."

day 37
> feeling like shit today
> cougar told her sales friends that I tried asking her out
> people are laughing behind my back
> can hear the whispers
> "eww haha IT?!!! ewwwwww"
> want to just open up a computer and jump through the moving cpu fan
> mean sales guy who usually calls (yeah that one) stops by office
> "My laptops not working"
> I trudge over to his desk with him
> hit the power button for a reset
> don't say anything and just walk away
> "If that's all you ever do.. Why do we need you?'
> turn around
> "what?"
> "if you only ever just restart my computer... why are we paying you? I can restart my own damn computer"
> grin
> "Have you ever repaired a server here? Do you know how hard it is to get it operational? Remember how we were
down for a day and a half?"
> he shakes his head
> "That's what I thought."
> of course I just restarted it lol

day 38
> still feel like shit after the cougar shut me down
> decide to block 1 major site on the webfilter every hour
> feel like the Joker doing it
> first youtube
> then ebay
> then reddit
> hear the moans from people as they read my webfilter note
> "This is a place of work not a fun house"
> One woman storms into office
> "This is not funny...this is serious"
> "Why so serious?" I ask her
> "I need you to unblock ebay"
> lot seriously
> "I HAVE AN AUCTION ENDING IN 5 MINUTES!"
> put it back on the safe list
> but it was too late
> she missed out on her cellphone case
> mwhahahahaha

day 39
> an "investigator" comes to the office
> the execs were worried that we had too much to lose and wanted to bring in a professional
> I'm fucked
> show him around the office
> he keeps asking to see the server room
> "And this is Carol. She's a riot. Aren't you Carol"
> doing everything I can to stall
> we go back into the server room
> he compliments me on how neat the cables are
> think about picking up a monitor and bashing his skull in and then running away to mexico
> cant do it
> I'm not a monster
> I'm IT
> the guy goes onto the server
> asks me for the login info
> figure the jig is up
> give it to him
> he logs in
> opens up IE
> looks over his shoulder at me
> "You don't need to be here"
> "It's fine"
> I need to be there when it happens
> he literally starts shaking his mouse really quickly around IE clicking on random parts of the screen
> I know because a popup for Home depot came up
> he starts muttering to himself... "hmmm... hmmm"
> watch him type in adobe reader in google
> he dl's it
> swings his cursor around some more
> and then finally goes
> "fucking hackers right?"
> we are brothers he and I
> IT brothers

day 40
> wake up and realize how lucky I truly am not to be fired or worse
> see cougar girl walking into the office from parking lot
> asks me how things are going
> I think we finally put an end to the jitterbug gang
> "no, I meant... not work stuff'
> look at her strangely then smile.
> "Oh you know how it is"
> she flicks her hair and then laughs
> what the fuck?
> "Cool. I'm having problems opening a file...can you open it for me hun?"
> sigh
> "Yeah sure..."
> we walk into her office she's being all flirty
> click on the sharepoint link of a pdf file
> won't open
> download adobe reader
> while it's loading I ask her what she's planning on doing on the weekend
> "I'm going to the mountains with this guy for our first getaway"
> stop adobe reader at 80%
> walk right out
> I am IT

day 41
> this hot yoga girl from events comes into my office
> her keyboard keeps typing in french
> too busy playing Happy bird to care
> "so are you going to help me?"
> "if things slow down. I've been swamped today"
> "I'm going to fucking kill you"
> she waggles her glorious yoga butt away
> cute girl, and don't even care anymore just want day to fucking end
> I hate this fucking job
> all I do is get yelled at and download adobe reader
> I cant even find the joy in games any more
> Dad walks by
> sees I'm looking blue
> Dad takes me out for lunch
> pats me on the shoulder
> "I'm so proud of you son."
> to date the company is in fucking shambles
> and I still am primarily an adobe reader downloader
> but I wouldn't change any of it for his very next words
> "I love you son."

Thanks guys and thanks Dad for the job. :) Don't forget to download your adobe readers guys.